so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
