I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
