Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
