Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
