doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
