My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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