There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
They are going to name an STD after you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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