At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize