This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
