I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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