Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
