there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
