my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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