I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
