Sponge bath it is.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
