Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence