i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I smell like Dick and happiness