I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship