what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood