We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
