I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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