I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
