are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
