I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
