Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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