Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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