I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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