The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
