Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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