good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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