He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
