I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I had to cum in my sink.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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