What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
