I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
