Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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