I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
