The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
