My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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