i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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