So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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