Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
