Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
