You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
