I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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