I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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