Pappa wants mamma naked
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Randomize
