You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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