So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
