I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
