I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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