Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
