He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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