we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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