So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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