Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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