my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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