I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
