i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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