I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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