I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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