I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
