just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
