New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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