They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
