you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
