At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
